What I SHOULD be doing is cleaning my counters, bathrooms, and floors.
Instead – I am reading about different antidepressants than the one I currently take. In case you wanted to know, I take the bomb ass Pristiq, but for some reason unknown to me, it no longer is effective. IT IS EXHAUSTING!
It’s exhausting to not be able to clean like I WANT to. It’s exhausting not wanting to do anything but forcing myself to.
If you have depression, you know how hard it is not to lay in your bed ALL day when you’re not working or dropping/picking up the kids. I’ve had depression for about 8 to 9 years. I’ve had A LOT of practice faking til I make it. No one in my life is able to tell when I’m down because I am THAT good at faking it.
Don’t get me wrong. There are days where my son ( who is very intuitive ), is able to tell if I’m sad. But I never let him see just how sad I really am. Luckily for me, my medicine prevents me from crying so that’s a non issue and very helpful in keeping my true depression a secret.
I know a lot of people don’t view my blogs. In all honesty, it’s kind of all over the place. Book reviews, gambling, and depression. I don’t think I’d want to read that shit either… NOT! I would. I love reading about other peoples real life shit, and knowing I’m not alone makes me feel a million times better.
That’s a struggle. When you think you’re all alone. When you wonder if you’re the only one who has children who keep misbehaving in school, no matter how much structure you provide. When you wonder if every wife thinks they could do a better job in making their husband happy. Wonder how I can make my husband happier if I’m not happy with myself. Wondering if The world would be better or easier without you.
Realistically, I KNOW I’m not alone. But it damn sure feels like it sometimes when my mind gets the best of me.
If you happen to read this long, all over the place, shit show. Leave a comment. Let me know if and how you were able to learn to fake it til you make it. Because that shit is NOT easy in any way, shape, or form. Let me know if you also feel alone and need someone to talk to. Because you are not alone.
We’re a different breed, and we’re in this together.