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I got diagnosed as bipolar 2 yesterday.

I was told by someone special to me to never get a diagnosis like that, even if it is a good fit for you.

THAT scared the shit out of me! Why wouldn’t I want a diagnosis of bipolar if it’s going to help ME, and my family. I’d like to not HAVE to force myself to not go lay in the bed for days when I’m down and out. That shit is HARD! I do it, but do I like to? Fuck no.

The appointment went surprisingly well, and they were very informative and answered any and all of my questions/concerns. If you were wondering why you “shouldn’t ever get a diagnosis like that”, it’s because it’s permanently on your health records.

That damn stigma kills me. I’m not ashamed to have anxiety/depression. I am who I am, and I have worked hard as shit to get “better”, and medicine has helped my mental wellbeing tremendously.

Am I sure that this diagnosis is the right fit for me? I have NO fucking idea! I have to see how these meds effect me first to see if her opinions are the correct one.

Now if you’ve ever taken any kind of mental illness meds, you know that taking any new med is scary as fuck. Are you going to be able to drive? Are you going to develop paranoia when you don’t have it? Are you going to develop new symptoms or worsening symptoms? Being not in the know how something is going to affect your brain function is wild!

My first night (last night)-EXHAUSTED! I’m already tired. Always. If I could sleep 24/7, I would! But it was on a whole other level! And as exhausted as I was, I tossed and turned ALL NIGHT! I had wild dreams. And I ALMOST peed my bed, which has never happened! Lol

So, why do I feel the need to put this on the internet, where I don’t have a lot of viewers? I needed someone to tell and talk to. Even if it’s just myself. All I wanted to do was talk to my husband, and have him here for me. I don’t generally NEED someone here for me. But I wanted it. My husband is fortunately blissfully unaware of mental illness. And that’s okay. But if you have someone in your life who is unfamiliar with your TRUE mental health state, it’s hard.

So me typing out all of my shit helps me. I tried calling my mom and sister and they didn’t answer. So instead, during my down day, I deal with it internally. As I’ve said in a previous post. People always post on social media or say, if you need help just reach out to someone. I’m not sure if they know, they the majority of us know, that THAT is a bunch of bullshit. Maybe not bullshit from everyone but I guarantee if I reached out to a single one of those people, it’d be a huge ass bust. Soooo I am my own best friend. I will help me. It is hard being my own person for help.

So I will end this long ass post with saying this again. IF you stumble on my page and you need/want to talk. Please message me. Yall don’t know me, I am a talker, a people pleaser, and a helper. I like to help people or just be an ear. No one needs to be alone.

What I SHOULD be doing is cleaning my counters, bathrooms, and floors.

Instead – I am reading about different antidepressants than the one I currently take. In case you wanted to know, I take the bomb ass Pristiq, but for some reason unknown to me, it no longer is effective. IT IS EXHAUSTING!

It’s exhausting to not be able to clean like I WANT to. It’s exhausting not wanting to do anything but forcing myself to.

If you have depression, you know how hard it is not to lay in your bed ALL day when you’re not working or dropping/picking up the kids. I’ve had depression for about 8 to 9 years. I’ve had A LOT of practice faking til I make it. No one in my life is able to tell when I’m down because I am THAT good at faking it.

Don’t get me wrong. There are days where my son ( who is very intuitive ), is able to tell if I’m sad. But I never let him see just how sad I really am. Luckily for me, my medicine prevents me from crying so that’s a non issue and very helpful in keeping my true depression a secret.

I know a lot of people don’t view my blogs. In all honesty, it’s kind of all over the place. Book reviews, gambling, and depression. I don’t think I’d want to read that shit either… NOT! I would. I love reading about other peoples real life shit, and knowing I’m not alone makes me feel a million times better.

That’s a struggle. When you think you’re all alone. When you wonder if you’re the only one who has children who keep misbehaving in school, no matter how much structure you provide. When you wonder if every wife thinks they could do a better job in making their husband happy. Wonder how I can make my husband happier if I’m not happy with myself. Wondering if The world would be better or easier without you.

Realistically, I KNOW I’m not alone. But it damn sure feels like it sometimes when my mind gets the best of me.

If you happen to read this long, all over the place, shit show. Leave a comment. Let me know if and how you were able to learn to fake it til you make it. Because that shit is NOT easy in any way, shape, or form. Let me know if you also feel alone and need someone to talk to. Because you are not alone.

We’re a different breed, and we’re in this together.

I decided a while ago to start writing a blog about things that interest myself and fellow readers.

Then life decides to throw, well, life, right in your face.

I have not been able to even set eyes on a book since my last due to anxiety, depression, kiddos, and work.

I wrote an entire post in my keep notes a few days after my last post.

Did I post it? Absolutely not.

Why?

Because of the ridiculous stigma surrounding depression and anxiety.

So this morning, I’m drinking my usual cups of coffee and decided I’m going to make a post.

I did decide to start writing after all, so I may as well put something in here. Even if it’s only ever going to be seen by my eyes.

I am slowly getting out of my slump and hope that I can get back to my hobbies that I love.

I hope everyone knows that you are not alone. I’m here.

If you ever need someone. Message me. Comment. Email.

I’ll be your person.

First off, If you have Amazon Kindle, you can get this book for freeee.

Back to it.

My husband and I recently went to a comedy show at the ever lovely Beau Rivage (yes my tickets were free because that’s where I go do my little side hobby).

As we are basically on the back wall (that’s where they put all the degenerates) watching Christina P. She says something that was so funny and very accurate.

Now this won’t be verbatim, but you’ll get the gist.

This topic she was speaking on was about the show Euphoria. But it rings true with fictional books/movies.

She said something along the lines of, “are we supposed to feel disgusted with ourselves, thoroughly enjoying this show with drugs and sex OR because we know they’re adults ACTING as teenagers are we supposed to feel better about the fact we love it so damn much?”

Sooo this is the same for books with me.
Should I be disgusted when there’s a steamy sex scene when they are teenagers in this book?
OR
Because it’s fictional, is it okay?

I don’t know why the answer seems so important because I’m going to continue watching Euphoria and reading my sex books.

But the question does seem valid.

The Author of this book is Eden O’Neil – title is they the pretty stars

First and foremost – I won’t spoil the book.

This book is a 4 part series and I already read her other 4 part series. So if there’s any interest in asking if that series is worth reading, I’ll gladly comment on it.

My husband chose these series for me ( which is really trusting of me ) and let me tell you what. He, and the books, did not disappoint.

BUT there are a quite a few things I didn’t really care for on this particular book compared to her others.

Her style of writing is FANTASTIC. her placement of words and the directional flow is written very well.

She uses words like “Hella”(which I say often and my husband makes fun of me 🙈) and “dicking around” (another fan favorite in my vocabulary”).

Of course there was a lot of typos 😬 but they don’t write for us non editors to edit.

Even though this book is fictional, she writes about things that happen in our actual lives.

Be that, fall outs with family, bullying in school, and going on a journey to figure out who you want to become. As well as finding out who has your back and who doesn’t.

I know all of that hits home with some more than others but that’s real live shit.

And Eden O’Neil did a great job.

Now onto the differences of her books.

Her last books had quite a bit more sex in it. I mean some steamy sex where you felt like you were apart of it. That’s the good shit.

If I can’t feel I’m apart of it or it doesn’t turn me on a little, I’m a bit disappointed.

Okay, I said I wouldn’t spoil but I am going to comment on one part in her book. Because if you like it too, you’ll definitely want to read her other books.

There’s a particular part where a girl hears some moans and peeks to see where this handsome guy has his arm above his head, and a red head on her knees in front of him.

Yes, he’s getting a bjibbers.

As she’s watching him receive his bjibbers he’s looking right at her. And she doesn’t look away.

If that little bit above didn’t get you even a little excited, then you should probably not read any of her books.

So even though she doesn’t have a particularly large amount of fun sex scenes in this book. It was a book I didn’t want to put down. They’re not the longest books, but her break down in all her series I’ve read, it ends up being a good thing.

I hope anyone who took the time to read this got a little insight into her first book of the series. If you read it, I’d love to hear your comments.

With me being a new blogger, I’m not quite sure how much to put out there and how much to keep to myself. All input would be greatly appreciated!

Yall have the best day!